Featured

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Advertisements

My name is zavierra warren. I’m a normal, simple person like you, if that’s how you want to put it. I’m focused on making a difference on teen life’s and showing them different ways to deal with then rather than dealing with it the way I did.

I am a survivor. I want others to be able to call themselves that. I fought my fair share of battles. I was raped and beaten. Placed in many foster homes and overcame my self-harm and my suicide attempts. But I had wonderful people come into my life a guide me to be the person I am today.

No it wasn’t easy an I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it was easy. trust me, it didn’t happen over night. when someone tells you its easy to make a change in your life its pure bullshit. But the change starts with you. It took me roughly 4 to 5 year to make a change in my attitude and in my behaviors (15-18) and to this day I’m still struggling and I just turned 18. No it’s not easy but it gets easier as you go.

life is what you make it. BE HAPPY FOR NO REASON, LIKE A CHILD.

11:11 COMES TWICE A DAY BECAUSE EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE  

 

 

 

to my first love

  This isn’t going to be a sappy love letter. This isn’t even a love letter. My first love should have been myself. My first thought in the morning should have been myself and how was I doing mentally. But no my first thought was you. My main focus was on you and making sure you was good and stable.

    Our relationship was many things but happy wasn’t one of them. Our relationship was young, dumb, and wild. Calling you my first love isnt the correct term. You were my FIRST MISTAKE. My first lesson on what not to do and taught me to love someone better than you.

    The lesson you taught me was to not put my trust into everyone and that everyone isn’t going to give me what I need. You also taught me that everyone isn’t ready for a relationship and everyone isn’t made for one. You taught me that I need to put myself first and that I shouldn’t put people before myself or put my all into someone so fast.

     I love to hard. I loved you with everything in me that I forgot to love myself. I would wake up and have questions about you rather than myself. I was so in love with you that I forgot to fall in love with myself again. I ended coming up with all these reasons on why I hate myself and started thinking you would hate me for them too. I started trying to fix myself so I could like me better but little did I know I was fixing myself for you because I knew you didn’t like what you saw.

     But we fell out of love because of you. You don’t get to place the blame on me. You don’t get to point the finger at me. You started the arguments, you caused the pain. You did the wrongs. You started the issues and the broken trust. You made broken promise that can’t be fixed. You caused the screaming and the crying.

      I did nothing but love you. I supported you and made sure you reached your goals. I threw my goals away because I thought yours were more important and you told me that. I made time for you when I had to fight for time from you. I didn’t get attention but you had my 24:/7. I threw my goals away like they were trash for you. I put you before myself and my family.

     I loved you. I adored you. I had hope in us. I had faith in you. I thought you would make some other girl happy but in reality I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I don’t want you to cause anyone else the pain you caused me.

               To my biggest mistake…. it’s time to say goodbye and let go

to my love

       But sometimes things just don’t work out the way we plan them.

      For instance that’s why my parents don’t have custody over me.

      It’s also why when we saw each other at the grocery store today, you didn’t even smile at me when we brushed passed each other.

      I don’t remember falling in love with you. I just remember holding your hand and realizing how much its gonna tear me apart and how much it’s going to hurt to let it go. Not because I was in love with you but because I realized you were the only person I have left and the only one that was still there for me after everyone left. I realized I didn’t want that feeling of someone being there to leave.

      Yes, I did love you but after awhile the love began to faded. It faded into something strange and unfamiliar. Yes, I thought you were my last. But the thought I had was wrong. Maybe another time in another lifetime. We have different paths in life. We have different goals. We grew up with different plans and home structures.  

      I’ll give the world, from a distance, I’ll support you from afar. I’ll give you hope as a friend. A relationship at our age and in our stage in our life wasn’t meant to be. We weren’t ready and we both didn’t know what we wanted.

      A happy life is what i wanted. A peaceful life is what I wanted.

I didn’t want the drama.

The fights

The arguments

The crying

The hurt

The pain

The betray

The heartbreak

    After our time together I realized all you did for me and I’m beyond grateful for that. Also I realized all the things you didn’t do for me and what I lost during our time together. I realized all the things i missed out while being with you. I realized how much I put into you but i never but that much into myself or my family.

    I’m not saying what we had was terrible or a mistake but it wasn’t meant to be at the moment. I wouldn’t ask for a better experience because you made it worth wild. You made it exciting, funny, scary and many other things that I  can’t put a name to.

    I’m beyond grateful for all the things you did for me and all the lessons you taught me. I loved us and will forever cherish our time together and hold it close to my heart

A GANG IS LIKE FAMILY

The loyalty is strong, the bond is unbreakable. The fight for each other to the end is incredible.  Everyone is working together to make a life and make sure everyone is heading for something greater than death. A gang isn’t always about the harmful things you see on the news or the negative stories you hear people talking about. There is good within a Gang, sometimes bad. But the good out weight the bad.

My family wasn’t my family, the gang I was in was my family. My dad was very abusive and didn’t provide care that a parent should have provided.  I was seeking a family and I found one in a gang. My gang helped me stop harming myself and helped me realize my self worth. When my dad wasn’t raising me, they were, when my dad wasn’t taking me to school, they were. I realized that family isn’t always going to be blood. Sometimes family is those who step up and try to better your life and help you do better and make sure your better life is better than theirs. And that’s what they did for me and a lot of other people as well.

  A gang is a group of associates, friends or members of a family with a defined leadership and internal organization that identifies with or claims control over territory in a community and engages, either individually or collectively, in illegal, and possibly violent, behavior.

      A lot of people that joins a gang doesn’t have a family or joins to support to their family. They believe that family isn’t always going to be there and that it isn’t always real. Michael Alleyne believes that one’s family was meaningless and that family isn’t always going to be there and that the brotherhood in the gang is stronger than family.

Gang violence or homicide is within the gang fractions not without the gang fractions. “Gangs” get a bad press. The overused noun is now synonymous with the evils of youth culture and its incumbent violence, drugs, guns and sexual misconduct. In the article Gangs are good for society they stated “ youth crimes has always been apart of our society, it’s not always gangs”. As teenagers we seek danger or trouble and crime, people now are putting a label to those that seek those and claiming we are gang members.

Caspar walsh has been working with people in and out of prison for more than 20 years and he said that gangs in and of themselves are not the problem. Caspar was about of a gang in school and he said it was just belonging to a group and feeling like you fit in somewhere. Most of the time it has nothing to do with fighting, violence or any other gangs. . “Gangs do not always revert to violence”. “If there are positive, older role models involved with these gangs, they can hold the boundaries essential to stopping them spiralling out of control and turning violent and crime driven. This is key.”

When gangs start controlling “turfs” or fighting over money or sellings drugs is when we should step in but other than that we should leave them alone. Gangs aren’t always negative they are trying to make people feel apart of something. According to the national gang center data, as of 2008, two of every 5 members of a gang are under 18. Anonymous man stated that He joined his gang because he wanted to feel like he was a part of a family. Michael Alleyne stated once again that  ”I ain’t got time to rite [sic] to snitches, family that ain’t real,”. To Michael Alleyne the gang was all he had they were there for him when his own family wasn’t even there.

“Inclusion means the action or state of including or of being included within a group or structure”. From the site childline they stated that people even join gangs to be protected from bullies, to make money for their family. Yes, it might be a negative way to support your family but sometimes that’s the only way in our generation. Childline even stated that people sometimes join gangs to have that feeling of power and to have a title.

Gangs dominating every street corner, but it’s only a problem when they are starting fights or they are shooting each other. Young people are looking for boundaries and these are explored in gangs and in their social interaction with each other and people outside the gang circle. There are many gangs trying to do positive things in the community, but the teens that are seeking a rush are causing the uproar .

MY HAPPINESS

When you walked into my life you brought so much happiness into it. when you entered my life it was filled with so much darkness and my emotions were a ball of sadness. you showed me better things in life rather what i was shown. yes, happiness comes from within but you brought it out. you taught me how to be happy with myself and taught me to accept so many things that I never thought I could accept.

You taught me to deal with things in a better way than how I was dealing with things. Every time I look at you I remember all the reasons why I fell in love with you and why I love you. You brought out the best in me. I apply myself more than I have in a long time. You taught me to accept my past because its’s in the past and I can’t do anything about it but move on from it. You taught me how to love again, you taught me how to love myself again.

  You didn’t just bring happiness into my life you brought joy and hope. When I’m about to give up you remind why of all the reasons why I shouldn’t give up and help me overcome whatever I’m going through. You made me feel worthy of love and worthy of being special to someone. You showed me how to be the best me there can be.

    While falling in love with you I ended up falling in love with myself. When I feel like everything is getting to much and I start questioning my life, I think of you because you showed me something different that changed me and my life. Yes, I’m not perfect and that’s okay but you still accept me. I know I make many mistakes but you work with me to fix them.

    Rather than walking away after things got hard you buckled up for the ride and held my hand and reassured me that things will get better and your always here when I need you. Never once did you give up or walk out like everyone else.

    You showed me that everything is so bad I just got to seek the good things in life and have a positive mindset about things. You showed me that while things are getting hard you don’t have to let it affect me and my life, I just got to be strong. You taught me so much in our time of being together.

    You taught me how to forgive the people that hurt me and to forgive myself because what I went through wasn’t my fault. You helped me learn how to move on from my brothers death and live my life for him. You have faith in my when everyone gave up and believed I couldn’t do anything with my life. You push me to do better when everyone doesn’t think I can do right or do good. You push me to do good.

    There isn’t anything in this world that wouldn’t do for you because I know you would do the same. I plan every aspect of my future with you because I don’t want to lose you. You’re my other half and my soul mate.

XXXTENTACION

A Tribute to XXXTentacion (SAD!)

         Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy was 20 before he was murder. He was born in Plantation FL, in 1998, january 23. He died june 18 of 2018. Jahseh was a soon to be father before he died. His son name is Gekyme onfroy and he was born on january 26 2019. Jahsen was a young black rapper that was devoted to changing the world one day at a time. He was here to help and give back to those that didn’t have anything.

    Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy AKA known as XXXtentacion was a young black rapper that had his life taken from him way too early. He gave hope to teenagers that struggled to keep hope by showing them that life isn’t as bad as it seems and that the storm or fight we are facing is going to come to an end one day, we just gotta hold on and fight. The tiny dark world we live in has light, we just gotta find it. XXXTentacion drew attention to situations that a lot of  millennials over-looked. XXXTentacion made an effort to change our dark tiny world that we created within ourselves.

XXXTentacion starting making music to help him cope with his own depression and his own demons he was fighting within himself and he didn’t realize the impact his music was going to have on people. When XXXTentacion realized how many people his music touched, he devoted his young life to showing everyone who  was struggling with depression that it isn’t always thunder clouds and lightning, that one day it’s going to be sunflowers and rainbows.

In many of his songs or videos he made of him speaking from the heart he stated that there is nothing more than a simple person in life that isn’t struggling with their own issues and that he struggled with the same things we do. While many kids looked up to him for his music and his talent and his brains, I looked up to him for his strength and how he is overcoming his depression and how is still giving me hope to keep fighting and how he saved my life when  I thought it wasn’t worth saving.

“ Who am I? Someone that’s afraid to let go?”  In these song lyrics XXXTentacion speaks to people that are having a hard time finding themselves and that are struggling to cope with their depression and the battles they are fighting within themselves. “ Suicide, if you ever try to let go.” XXXTentaction speaks about suicide and how people have power over what they do even if they don’t think they do. XXXtentacion speaks to who that fight battles within themselves and who need a guide to get through it. In the song SAD! , XXXTentacion reaches for the ones who lost something or someone that they loved deeply and puts our pain in words when we can’t. He makes us know that we give him hope and he is trying to give us that back by making music and shining light on things that people don’t focus on .

In these words “ I won’t fix, I’d  rather weep” XXXTentacion reaches for people who would rather dwell in the pain and make no effort to rise above it. He doesn’t diminish our ways of dealing with our pain but he gives us better ways to cope by being a role model towards us and showing us how to hold our head up high and fight against the pain and rise above everyone’s negative opinions. “ I’m lost, then I’m found.”  He is saying that one minute you find yourself and you’re on the high road and living your best and amazing life, then the next the depression the and the anxiety is overwhelming and it’s overpowering you so that you feel like you’re suffocating, almost drowning so that you lose yourself and let it take ahold of you because it seems like the only thing you can do.

In the song SAD! XXXTentacion really just focuses on the fact that when you are dwelling in your pain or letting you depression is taking over your life that it feelings like your drowning but without water. He isn’t condoning suicide, He is shining and light on the fact that many people consider about taking their own life because they feel like no one is their for them, they are alone in this battle. He wants people to know what’s going on and hopes that they will take his words seriously and try to changing this patterns. XXXTentacion isn’t just known for songs or music, He is also known for his intellectual speeches and motivational lessons his taught many of his followers. That they are currently still passing on even after his death.

Every follower XXXTentacion has and still is ganging is trying to help change the world just like he was. XXXTentaction name will forever live on and will forever have a place in my heart. XXXTentacion touched many people. He was destined for something more than greatness.

Dear you


2-9-19

I’m a person that is fighting with PTSD. I was abused by my father. I was beaten and raped for years, I’m battling my self harm and my depression. I was neglected by my biological mother and placed back into her care just to be beat on and mistreated once again.

I refuse to let them win, I refuse to sit here and dwell in the pain. I refuse to let them think they got the best of me. I’m NOT a victim I AM a survivor. I’ve changed into someone that had no hope then into someone that can’t wait to overcome my past. So I past on what i’m learning to other people. I know it seems like your alone in your tiny world but your not. you have a lot of people going through what your going through, what I’m going through but some are scared to speak up because of judgment. No its not your fault and you shouldn’t even have that idea or thought in your head.

I’ve never thought I would make it to 18. I thought i would kill my self before than and trust me I’ve tried many many times and now I realize that I couldn’t do that to myself because I’m worth so much and I deserve to be happy. I wasted so much time being unhappy and sad that ended up making myself tired of life and myself. eventually I gave up.

” Latowyn would hate how his little sister is turning out, if he was still here to see you today” my foster mom told me one day. When she told me that I was broken and was beyond any type of fixing. But later than sooner I got my shit together and ran that fucking game.

I stopped banging and realized the street life isn’t for me. That I wanted something better for myself other than the life i was living. I decided that if I couldn’t live my life for myself I would live it for someone else till I was able to live mt life for myself.

i loved him

I loved him so hard that i even forgot to hate myself. I even began to get out of bed early instead of not at all. Just to see your perfect face.  I was so busy loving you, I didn’t notice all the wilted flowers that started to grow back. I was trying so hard to impress him, that I finally cleaned up. I cleaned up my mess of a life. Maybe it wasn’t good enough! But it was pretty spotless. I stopped slumping my shoulders and started looking people in the eyes. HE made me want to get better and god did I get better. His touch made me feel things that I wasn’t able to feel things in a long time. I loved him so much I ended  up falling in love with myself ❤